Why do I do this? Why start blogging now? Well, it's my form of a reality check. I'm writing it down, words on a page, so that later, when I'm lonely or sad, I can look back and know that I'm doing the right thing.
If you are reading this, it may be because I invited you or because you've stumbled on it like a message in a bottle. I'm mostly doing this for me but I hope that someone else will find it, someone who needs it. Maybe someone like me. Who's in this relationship she can't get away from and sees some shred of herself in me. I know that I'm going to need strength as I face the next phase of my life and maybe my random musings will help someone else find the strength to leave their own abusive relationship.
Whoa. There it is -- just came right out and said it, didn't I? Am I being beaten? No. Am I beaten down? Yes. There is a competent girl in here, dare I say it, an intelligent one? I could go into detail but let's just say that you wouldn't look at me or pick me as an abused woman. You won't believe the things I tolerate, though. Just now my "boyfriend" told me that it's difficult to have sex with me because I'm too big. People, I'm 5'11" and weigh about 180#. I'm no super model but I'm not huge.
I KNOW this....and yet, there is a part of me that just accepted it. He's told me this before and I argued it then but he then went into detail, saying that when I gain weight I gain it in my legs, hips and midsection. He said that when my thighs were larger it made it harder for him to get inside them. He's very detailed and unemotional, my boyfriend. I'm already tired of typing my boyfriend all the time. Let's just call him Perry. I'm sitting here, on the end of the bed, typing and I can see his boxers. With their Perry Ellis band. So yeah, he's now Perry. And if he ever reads this, I hope he realizes this is him. And feels like shit. Fuck you Perry.
Somehow I've gotten to this. I am one of those sad little cowered women who tiptoe around, trying to keep the peace. God, how many times have I used that phrase? "Keeping the peace"....LOL....if I ever get into another relationship, watch out! There will be no keeping the peace.
So I write....as I've done during certain periods of my life. I wish I would have done this sooner. If I had a journal to look back on, maybe I wouldn't have gotten this far in. I've been reading about abusive relationships and this one is it. Trust....it's bad and there isn't much to be done but get out.
